[Edit: Don't get the wrong impression from this. I really am doing great here and I love almost every minute. It's hard, but good, and very much worth everything. I just needed to vent a bit. And I have done a few things on this list already. But thank you all, especially Margaret and Cassie.]
I feel a little bit stressed. I want to create things, to photograph, to write reflections and stories and poetry and songs and exegesis of the Greek word for baptism and how Bible passages look differently with this deeper understanding of the use of the word. I want to write personal emails to each and every one of you (that would be something hundred emails, which is theoretically possible). I want to draw. I want to read, Luke and the Gospels and Leviticus (and write my thoughts on Leviticus) and Sex God and how Jesus can lead a turning that can never be fully oppressed, and is really quite enticing. I want to read the doctoral thesis written by the brother of my friend. I want to talk with my best friend and my roommate and my H2H and my 1on1 and the families that are giving my financial support and my friends who do not think I should go out in the name of Jesus to love people the way I’ve learned Jesus insists to love people. (I especially want to talk to all you friends of mine who don’t see eye to eye with me on the Jesus thing. Y’all keep me grounded in an important way, and it helps breathe life into me.) I want to play the guitar that is lying not ten feet from where I’m sitting typing this, to renew my calluses, to master the three cords I’ve learned and remembered. I want to get out and photograph. To create images with far my craft and excellence than I have so far. I want to be able to have coffee at a café with my friends every day and talk about things that really matter, like if true love means that she lets me pick her nose and she is comfortable picking mine, or the deeper reality symbolized by continuing to sleep with a teddy bear in college years and after, or whether having flight or invisibility is a more preferable superpower. I want to watch Heroes and Bleach and a historical/present day breakdown of why people create(d) the gods they did/do (see “The Gods Aren’t Angry” by Rob Bell). I want to research war and other issues of injustice that are ravaging the world presently, to do something useful and practical and meaningful to help. I want to memorize books of the Bible. I want to nap. A lot. I want to Skype with my family and friends. I want a web cam so I can Skype…
I want to do so many things, but every day during the four to five hours of free time I have in the afternoon and then the few hours I have free in the evening, I usually feel overwhelmed – even suffocated – by the weight of the lecture in class and how I’m responding and growing and changing spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and it all affects me physically. It feels as though there is no break, and I suffocate when I want to and try to be productive and creative. So I have given updates with far less frequency than I have intended or wanted to. I have not talked about what I wanted to talk about or what I think you want me to talk about in my updates. I have not called as many people as I want to, or talked to anyone as long as I’ve wanted to. A huge factor playing into this tiredness and choosing not to write or call is due to the time difference. Four to six hours difference makes things tricky, and I think has contributed to draining some life out of me.
This is a big thing weighing on me. I have cut off much personal contact with the people I call “friends”. (Truly, I cannot thank you enough if you still honestly, legitimately consider me a friend after I have shown you so little person contact and care and difference. I love you all so much in my heart and mind, but I have failed to show that love, and love without action is dead and meaningless. I am sorry for not living my love. I don’t know how to reconcile this now, except to begin slowly, one person at a time, and patiently and constantly devote my life to reconnecting with person after person every day.)
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Busy-ness
I want to do so many good things and I find myself pulled in a thousand directions, accomplishing nothing. Busy-ness is a norm in DTS and confronts me at every turn and corner with fieldtrips, journaling, and research, spending quality time with dozens of people, photographing and editing photos and talking about photos. All of which are honestly, truly good things. But I shut down. I think less when I don’t have to think hard for class. I try to give myself rest that isn’t really rest. I sit around and spend meaningless time on the internet and procrastinate.
Busy-ness can become such a dangerous weapon if doing too many things is allowed to overtake us.
Which is why I covet the day I set aside to stop and rest and do no work. Thank God. (Genesis 2:2-3; Exodus 20:8-11; 31:16; I can go on and on, there are 116 times Sabbath is translated in the ESV. You get the picture.)
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Pressing On
I still want to create. I especially want to begin serious work writing for the ideas I want to use for books. And I want to make this season of my life one where I memorize scripture in a significant way that god will use for His glory. And I want to build and strengthen and deepen friendships. And of course I want to keep on top of my PGX class stuff.
I’m not sure what to do except learn time management and start to live in a way that I manage my time as best as I can, and to keep writing and reading and memorizing and building, especially when I don’t feel like it or want to. The opposite spirit of apathy or laziness is interest and careful focused work.
Grace and Peace,
Christopher
Oh Chris Wolf! I understand completely why you would be overwhelmed. Experiencing the revelations you have been having recently (and will continue to have throughout this entire journey) touches every part of your person. While I see your point about love being meaningless without action, thoughts and prayers geared toward the people you love are actions the same as writing an email or giving a hug. Don't allow your schedule, your business, or your need to relax and recoup after class to make you feel guilty. You aren't doing anything wrong, don't worry.
ReplyDeleteAs for time management, take it one step at a time. Write down everything that you want to do in a list, see how many hours you have to yourself (minus the time you need for yourself right after class), and just pick one thing to do one day or one hour. You'll be amazed what you get done. Hopefully this helps!
Love and hugs,
Margaret
P.S. Hopefully I will get a chance to write to you again, and organize a skype date with the suite sometime.
Chris,
ReplyDeleteI understand being caught in busy-ness and I think most people can. I hope that you will continue to run after the desires of your heart. That you will see what God is doing and how you are growing and changing. I think everyone who knows you and loves you at all knows you love them too!
Continue to search for how you need to grow and hang with the people that will continue to push you in that direction. Also continue to spend time with the people that will encourage you in your ministry. These people don't need to be your christian friends and more often then not they are not.
I am glad you are where your at and that you are sitting at the feet of christ listening to what he has for you.
Luke 10:38-42
ReplyDelete38in the course of their journey Jesus came to a village, and a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house.
39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat down at the Lord's feet and listened to him speaking.
40 Now Martha, who was distracted with all the serving, came to him and said, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister is leaving me to do the serving all by myself? Please tell her to help me.'
41 But the Lord answered, 'Martha, Martha,' he said, 'you worry and fret about so many things,
42 and yet few are needed, indeed only one.
It is Mary who has chosen the better one, and it is not to be taken from her.'
It sounds Chris, like you are doing many good things. Do not worry too much about making yourself the man you want to be in one day. Make sure you are appreciating all of the good things that God is doing through you.
May every breath be peaceful as you walk along.
It also sounds like you want to be able to do more for God. May God bless you and continue to gift you with more wisdom, discipline, organization, and a jolly heart.
Your feelings are good. Do not let yourself grow complacent by any means; there is more that we can allow God to do through us. - there is an amazing potential for purposeful speaking and acting that allows us to share Jesus Christ's light in one way or another with just about every person we encounter.
I, for example, am working daily to grow for God. I have walked so much this year in so many aspects of my life that it is completely amazing. For example, after much thought, prayer, and consideration; I have decided to follow something that is supposed to be normal and expected - I have made a vow of chastity until marriage. I have not masturbated in a long time and I am now working on letting go of the "lust of the eyes" that is mentioned somewhere in John, I think. This sacrifice took me a while to work up to, but I now know that it is a simple offering that will bear great fruit for God. It is also helping me a lot with the discipline / living purposefully.
I am still not where I want to be in all aspects of my life, though; for one example, I still have a ways to go with organization and overcoming procrastination. But, I am walking every day and it is great. At one point, I felt like I should just be able to overcome my bad habits in one day or in one prayer session, but it takes some time. Keep walking every day in Prayer and in God's love.
And may it all be done with a certain sense of peace. It is okay to feel anxiety/sadness sometimes; but as we walk, we should also feel more and more happy and in tune with Jesus Christ's peace.
I can relate with a lot of what you wrote and reading it has helped me a lot. Let us be wary to not focus on this "suffocating" feeling because overthinking it will self-perpetuate it.
Let us instead focus on and write about Christ's peace and gratitude and appreciation and the living water and the amazingness of God's love that we can only begin to imagine.
For where would we be without our Faith? Where would we be without our teacher? We would be like birds on the floor, twitching and decaying.
Surely, Jesus Christ wants us to know and have his peace! A peace that incorporates everything we have learned and are learning. A peace that allows us to fly and continue developing our potential. As we grow our relationship with our Father,our picture of God's identity gets clearer and more certain as truly the most loving of Fathers. The most loving of Fathers in a perfect way. Love. Our Soul rejoices!
God gives us peace and wants to bless us and wants us to be happy.
Hope everything is going well my friend. I care a lot about you and thank you for the shared companionship and fellowship at Knox.
Thank you also for your post. It has helped me a lot. The other responses have helped me too.
Keep up the good work and God bless you.
-Alberto